The Voices We Carry
Some of the loudest voices in our lives aren’t necessarily audible.
They don’t come from the outside world, and they don’t usually announce themselves. Instead, they show up internally, in moments that feel small but charged. You might notice them when you finally sit down to rest and suddenly feel uneasy, or when you reread a message before sending it because something about it feels off. They may also appear right after a little mistake, as a familiar feeling in your chest, before you’ve had time to think.
These voices usually aren’t dramatic. In fact, most of the time, they sound practical and reasonable.
They might sound like urgency: You should be doing more.
Or criticism: You should have known better.
Or doubt: Maybe you’re not cut out for this.
Because they arrive so quickly, they don’t often feel like something we’re hearing. They simply feel true.
How We Learn to Listen
From the beginning, we are wired to listen. Long before we understand language, we’re paying attention to non-verbals: tone, rhythm, and emotional cues. We learn what safety sounds like and what tension feels like; we learn when closeness is available and when it isn’t.
Over time, these early experiences shape an internal soundscape made up of the voices we’ve been surrounded by – caregivers, teachers, partners, peers, cultural figures, and past relationships. Some of these voices are reassuring and supportive. Others are anxious, demanding, or critical. Many of them formed during moments when we were trying to adapt and stay connected.
Because this happens gradually, these voices often fade into the background. We don’t really notice them when things feel steady. We tend to recognize them when something feels harder than usual – maybe when rest feels uncomfortable, when uncertainty shows up, or when we start questioning whether we’re doing enough or getting it right. In those moments, the voice doesn’t feel like something learned long ago. It feels immediate and personal, like it belongs to us.
When Voices Become Invisible
One reason these inner voices can feel so powerful is that they rarely identify themselves. They don’t say, This is something you learned years ago, or This once helped you cope. They simply speak, and we respond.
Over time, many people begin to experience these voices not as opinions, but as facts. We might tell ourselves, I’m just being realistic, or that’s just how the world works, without noticing the implications underneath those thoughts.
For people who grew up in environments where slowness, uncertainty, or emotional expression weren’t welcome, urgency and self-criticism are actually adaptive. These voices helped with performance, vigilance, or staying out of trouble. And in many ways, they worked.
Listening Instead of Silencing
In therapy, the goal isn’t to get rid of these voices altogether. Most of them exist for a reason and at some point, they helped us navigate something important.
Instead, therapy offers a different approach. Therapy slows the moment down just enough to listen more closely. Effective therapy is rooted in awareness and curiosity rather than control.
For people who want something tangible to work with, it can help to think about this process in steps (not as a rigid formula, but as a way to orient yourself when these voices show up).
Working With the Voices You Carry
- Notice the moment, not the message.
Instead of focusing on what the voice is saying, notice when it tends to appear. Is it loudest when you’re tired, resting, about to make a decision or set a boundary? Often, the timing gives information that the words themselves can’t.
Example: You might notice the moment arrives when you finally close your laptop for the night. The day is technically over, but your body hasn’t caught up. The fact that it appears at rest, rather than during the work itself, is a signall.
2. Listen for tone rather than content.
Ask yourself how the voice sounds. Is it rushed, sharp, worried, disappointed, or demanding? Tone carries emotional information, and your nervous system responds to it automatically. Simply naming the tone can bring you one step closer to reducing how intense it feels.
Maybe the voice isn’t loud, but it’s tight and rushed, like it’s trying to move you along. Even if the words seem reasonable, the tone creates pressure. Hearing the urgency for what it is can take some of its force away.
3. Get curious about where it came from.
You don’t need a clear or complete answer. You might just notice that the voice feels familiar or that it reminds you of a particular period in your life. Many of these voices formed when you were trying to adapt, belong, or stay safe.
You notice the voice sounds familiar, like something you’ve encountered growing up, in moments when productivity mattered more than rest. Simply noticing that this voice has been around longer than this moment can create enough space for you to choose another option.
4. Pause before responding.
You don’t need to correct the voice or replace it with something positive. Even a brief pause or a moment of stillness can interrupt the automatic loop. That pause can become an entry point to a different choice.
You don’t need to fix the feeling or push it away. Notice the urge to open your laptop again and pause that moment before deciding if and how to act.
5. Experiment with a steadier response.
Offer yourself a sentence that sounds calmer than the original voice. Not overly reassuring, just steady. Something like, I’m allowed to take my time, or I don’t have to decide this right now. The goal isn’t to silence the old voice, but to give another one a chance to be heard.
Offer yourself a response that doesn’t rush you. Don’t override the voice, but meet it with something calmer, like “I can stop for now,” or “nothing needs to be decided tonight”.
Making Room for Your Own Voice
As awareness grows, many people begin to notice another voice underneath the familiar ones. This voice tends to be quieter, less reactive, and more patient. It doesn’t rush you or criticize you for needing time. It doesn’t demand certainty before you’re ready.
For some people, this voice feels unfamiliar at first, especially if it hasn’t had much room to develop. It speaks more slowly and with less intensity than voices shaped by fear or urgency.
Learning to first, hear, and then recognise and trust this voice takes time. It doesn’t emerge through force or positive thinking. It develops gradually, through repeated moments of noticing, pausing, and responding differently, often within relationships where you feel seen and not rushed, including the therapeutic relationship.
Listening as an Ongoing Practice
If you’re curious about the voices you carry, you don’t need to work with them perfectly or consistently. Some days you may only notice them after the fact. Other days you may catch them earlier. What matters is returning to the practice of listening with curiosity.
Over time, this way of listening can soften the volume of those familiar inner voices and make room for one that feels more grounded, more compassionate, and more you.
As we begin our focus on the sense of hearing, it’s worth remembering that simply noticing what you’re hearing, and how it sounds, can be enough to begin changing the relationship.
For some people, this voice feels unfamiliar at first, especially if it hasn’t had much room to develop. It speaks more slowly and with less intensity than voices shaped by fear or urgency.
Learning to first, hear, and then recognise and trust this voice takes time. It doesn’t emerge through force or positive thinking. It develops gradually, through repeated moments of noticing, pausing, and responding differently, often within relationships where you feel seen and not rushed, including the therapeutic relationship.
Sohni Patel, LMSW (she/her)
Sohni Patel, LMSW Sohni Patel is an associate therapist at Sōhum Therapy who supports individuals feeling pulled between cultural values, societal pressures, and their own needs. She works with clients navigating grief, boundary challenges, and identity exploration, offering a reflective space to understand past patterns and move forward with greater clarity and self-trust.
